God's not up there...

Attorney General Session’s use of Romans 13 to justify separating the families of illegal aliens has prompted the UMC to bring charges against Sessions under it’s Book of Discipline.  A brief investigation indicates that Methodists are greatly divided on the issue, and they fear that the discord is threatening the unity of the denomination. Fortunately, the Council of Bishops has promptly acted by putting together a Way-Forward-On-Immigration committee.  Sources say they have come up with 3 plans to deal with the controversy:
1. The traditional plan would advocate for laws that deport the parent(s). The child will also be deported, but not until they themselves become parent(s). After the grandchild of the immigrant is born, they will all be deported, in accordance with Numbers 14:18. One member of the Good News Methodist movement stated, “God said it. I believe it. That settles it.”  It is unclear under what conditions an immigrant families would be deported to the fourth generation, and when deporting three generations is sufficient to sate God’s burning anger.
2. The One Church plan would allow those conferences that believe it is a sin for a child to stay with an illegal immigrant to maintain their convictions. When asked to clarify the plan’s details, the Bishop stated, “look…it’s very simple:  This plan encourages a generous unity by giving United Methodists the ability to address different missional contexts in ways that reflect their theological convictions.”
3. The connectional conference plan would maintain a “unified core”, but split the church into separate branches based on diverse views on immigration, sexuality, race, gender equity, FGC, wine/grape juice , Bible version,  sprinkling/pouring, ipad use,  what syllables to stress during doxology,  vestments vs skinny jeans, powerpoint, evolution, Potluck dinners, saying “amen” other than during prayer, Hell, worshiping with gay people, and whether or not the issues members discuss Monday through Saturday are appropriate topic for discussion on Sunday.   One anonymous source added that “although this plan would fragment the church into thousands of congregations with little in common,  the ‘unified core‘ would remain, ensuring solid finances to meet future pension and payroll liabilities for clergy, administrators, and staff working in the 13 UMC General Agencies.  Of course…this has no bearing on our decisions concerning potentially divisive subjects such human sexuality and the Book of Discipline.  It’s just a totally separate interesting observation.”